Autism, look what you've done to me

I generally try not to gripe too much. Well except to my mom b/c she's my sounding board so she hears some of the exhaustion and frustration, but mostly I'm upbeat about things. I'm a glass half-full kinda girl.

But the other day I was telling my doc how frustrated I was over all these allergies. Eleven years of food allergies that rule our lives and cause mind-numbing terror to our parently (yeah I know that's not a word) souls. Yeesh. He gently said "But look at your life now. Would you be this person if life had been different? Would your kids have their tight loving bond if your family had gone differently?" I blithely agreed that it was good but then came home and thought on that hard.

Before autism, I was all about the hair, makeup, clothes, shoes, cars, perfect house, perfect everything... all the shallow things in life. I was all about me.

After autism, those things just don't matter anymore.

Somewhere along the way autism did something weird to me, it made me grow up.

I stopped caring about hair, makeup, clothes, cars, frivolous things. Not that I don't take care of myself but now instead of scheduling an every 6 week hair appt to keep the color perfect, I get a haircut a year if I'm lucky. Makeup? It happens sometimes but generally only when I have a speaking engagement. Clothes? I shop at goodwill now and am happy to have clothes without holes in them. I don't even know what's in style! Cars? I have one, husband has one. We'll drive those things into the ground before we think of spending a dime on another vehicle. Shoes? I'm still wearing shoes from 10 years ago. I did buy a pair of sandals last year but it was a necessity.

My perspective has changed 180 degrees, to say the least. My house is nice but definitely not perfect. Rather than spend my hours making things just so, I spend my hours in the kitchen making sure those kidlets have good nutrition going in. I still have tons of pictures that should be on the walls. The walls are in desperate need of painting. Instead of trying out the latest restaurant, I spend time figuring out how to make my garden grow. Instead of googling to find the perfect gift this year, I'm on chat boards and forums, reading the pain of others still in autism and trying to help... feeling helpless and wondering if I'm making a difference. Am I giving someone hope? Is someone encouraged by my words? Instead of trying to make the world revolve around me, I am thrilled to know it doesn't.

At many points during autism recovery, I didn't get haircuts. That money was necessary for supplements, testing, procedures, doc consults, food. I WANTED a haircut, there just wasn't justification for it. Now, it's different. There is so much more to life than trying to look perfect (no one is anyway so why pretend?). I enjoy a nice hair style. I like looking nice, it's just not my everything. My car isn't perfect but it's not a big deal. My clothes are far from lovely but it's not important. People are important.

And I think that's what I missed before autism. When it was all about me, people didn't matter. It disgusts me a little to think of the level of selfishness back then. Double yeesh!

But you know what is amazing?? When autism found us, people EVERYWHERE jumped in to help. Looking back, it is astonishing to see how many hundreds of people rushed to my aid. Yes, many of them were virtual helpers known only to me by their sign names on chat boards. Many others were real life people who went above and beyond to help us. A community of people I never knew existed jumped at the opportunity to help complete and total strangers. And I will always be indebted to each one of them b/c they taught me to give unselfishly of myself in the pursuit of even just a single child.

That's what autism did to me. It introduced me to a whole group of warriors. It made me leave behind all the selfish & vain pursuits of an empty life. It made me put aside my southern belle gentility and become someone completely real. Gone is the self-absorbed woman-child and in her place stands a warrior-mom who loves her family fiercely and sees the world through completely different eyes. I get to marvel at my children's achievements. How many parents don't see the wonder of their child's laughter, their sparkling eyes, their beautiful toes, their wonderful brilliance? I'm sure many parents appreciate these things but before autism, I was so wrapped up in me that I often didn't appreciate the miracles living under my own roof.

So autism although I still hate what you did to my kids, for this I thank you. Thank you for causing me to grow. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reach one more family and extend a little bit of hope.

And thank you Lord Jesus for allowing autism to teach me.